Anxiety in B Flat

Wonder what the Tramp was thinking?

I am filled with fear, more than anything, at this time. I have been manic in my approach to getting caught up on things like sentence structures and proper comma usage. And once again, I find myself maundering on Wikipedia, leering over webpages that belong to the greats such as: Steinback, Wallace and Nin. Nevertheless, I still can’t tackle my incomprehensible plot to my novel which part of me believe, I should throw away. There it is. I said it. I think I am working with a really, really bad engine, and my attempt to figure out its kinks, is futile. What a worthless feeling to have, of your first attempt at novel writing, but I don’t know what else to feel. I am wrecking my brain trying to revise a story, a tale that hasn’t been told. But, it has, numerous times, by the generations before me. The moment I think, “Aha, I have it!,” then I realize that I don’t. 

Maybe, I am not really convinced that my novel is utter, complete trash. Maybe, I am internalizing something else, perhaps, my fear of failure as a writer. Maybe, I am just scared of sitting in my first workshop as a graduate student, and being lampooned by my peers, and worst yet, my professor. I also feel that fears are further compounded by my recent layoff, my inability to find a meaningful job after graduating and my recent setbacks in achieving financial independence as well as my dire living situation. These things way heavy upon me and my psyche daily. My personal obstacles, color my dreams in various shades of gray. 

To be honest, I don’t know how I got into any MFA program, and I don’t know how I will survive in the one, I have admitted to. So, I have been searching and surfing MFA blogs, post-MFA blogs and writers personal blogs. I guess I am trying to interpret what I should be feeling at this moment, as oppose to the dread that is growing in my chest, as the days draw closer and closer to my first workshop. 

Is this the part, where I am supposed to just rely on faith? I am just supposed to take the plunge into the abyss? How can I? I am a product of the linear thinking when it comes to higher education. I was told if you receive your degree that life was sorta of easy sailing from there on out. Well, we all know that’s a bunch pre-2008 nonsense! Yet, some part of me is wondering if solely pursuing your dreams is cliche? 

But, I’ve made my bed. 

It’s bumpy, filled with crumbs and has a slight odor to it, but it’s mine. And because it is mine, I hold it dear. 

So, I guess, I am committed to seeing this out to its end. Despite, the anxiety it may cause, or the further pelts to my already damaged ego. Now, the story of my twenties will be tale of various blind jumps, swan dives and praying for a magical net or Manus Dei.